Except for these cactus spines stuck in my butt…

How is your week going? Good, I hope.

Mine is going well, except for those cactus spines stuck in my butt. If you ever get cactus spines stuck in your butt, here’s how to get rid of them.

You see, a few years ago I rescued a cactus from beside the road and planted it in front of the air conditioner. I figured it would hide the ugly air conditioner and look exotic. Win-win. The way to plant this cactus is to lay the dead cactus on the ground. That’s it. The carcass sends down roots, then shoots and after awhile-voila! Cactus.

Last year it bloomed and that was cool. This year it grew a lot. Too much. It was crowding the air conditioner and trying to enter the side of the house. No problem, thought I, I’ll just trim it back. I used a hoe and removed about half of it by chopping. I knew about those spines and kept my distance. Apparently the chopping caused some spines to fly through the air and lodge on the side of my butt.

Apparently, because sure enough spines had gone right through my pants and there they were, very fine little hair-like spines I could barely see but could definitely feel. I tried duct tape, which usually performs miracles, but they didn’t come out. Apparently they have barbs on the end. I used tweezers and even then they were hard to remove. I put alcohol on the wounds which was about as much fun as you think it was.Today there are angry red dots where they used to be.

Now how do I get rid of the cactus I chopped down? I can’t pick them up; the spines go right through fabric gloves. If I leave them, they’ll grow new cactus. I need to get them to the back yard and throw them on a bonfire. Maybe I can sharpen a long stick and skewer them and tote them to the fire pit? That’s my first brilliant thought. My second thought when I come up with one of my schemes is: What will the neighbors think? As I walk back and forth with cactus parts on a stick?

“What the? What is she doing now? Looks like she’s going to roast cactus on a stick like marshmallows.”

“Huh? Oh, that’s just Je’-she’s always doing stuff like that.”