Food Wars: Assassination by Swiss Cheeze

The Dear Leader of North Korea, 31 year-old Kim Jong-Un, has been hospitalized since September and his sister is ruling in his place. Kim is suffering from gout, reportedly brought on by his addiction to Swiss cheese.

Well played, Switzerland, you have incapacitated one leader of the Axis of Evil simply by making tasty dairy products. And what are you REALLY up to with those chocolates?

As attacks on world leaders go, I think I have to approve of food as a weapon, since the leader has to do himself in. It is much preferable to Mossad’s array of poisons and staged suicides, right? It’s better than blowing up cars and carpet bombing the target’s whole neighborhood, right?

It’s just, “Hey, have you tried this yummy cheeze? It’s to die for.”

America has an arsenal of tasty, nutritionally disastrous foods. We could send cases of the crap to world leaders as a goodwill gesture-get them addicted to it. Then if they don’t behave, we could cut off their supply. No more grease-soaked, over-salted French Fries for you-until you let us build a military base on your land.

But wait-do the French get credit for French Fries? Can’t have that-maybe we’ll call them Freedom Fries instead.

In times of national emergency I might go along with sending fried butter on a stick. I know, it’s drastic; it’s the nuclear option in Food Wars, but all options should be on the table, right? Along with the Swiss Cheese and Freedom Fries.